On Tuesday, it's my baby brother's birthday...apparently, I forgot to mention him last year, and he's been boycotting my blog ever since (fair weather friend, he is, huh?!). I figured, to make up for it, I'd mention him twice this year.
So, after work last night, I met my mom and bros out for a celebratory drink for the "Golden Child". (BTW...he turns 24 this year. I told him that when I was 24, I was married and had my 2nd baby on the way...what's his hold-up?! Oh, and PS...he doesn't normally look this cocky. He's actually nice and sweet and funny and I'm taking applications for a future sister-in-law, I mean for his future bride.)
Got to the bar, bellied up, ordered myself a Mike's Lemonade (even tho' is wasn't a perfect 75 degree day) and proceeded to shoot the sh** with my peeps. Before too long, talk turned to memories.
Memories of grandpa...the good times. Spearing suckers, McMaster's and Squirt, "How do?", and dancing cheek to cheek. And then...
At the bar.
I was that girl...crying at the bar. Ugh.
To my horror (and I'm sure the horror of my company), I cried. Not "tears welling up" cry...but actual "tears running down my cheeks while I hastily swipe them away" cry.
My mom, the eternal optimist, pointed out (in her "momish" way) how blessed I am with my 5 amazing kids. And I am.
But I still cried. In a bar. And they weren't even drunk tears.
My big brother said what's been on my mind..."it made me realize that I'm getting older...that everyone is getting older". I don't want everyone to get older. As blessed as I am, my mind is not in a good spot right now. I give myself pep talks all day...but the truth is, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid what the rest of the year can bring. As shitty as this year has been, I recognize that, yes, it could get worse. And I pray that it doesn't.
I pray that this grip on my heart eases and that I can get rid of this doom that I feel. That I can go back to being carefree...that I can look at my blessings in life and think about what I have, rather than what I could lose.
Generally, I tend to be a positive person...and I want that positivity back. I want to see the sunshine in every opportunity, to not be afraid of what tomorrow holds, and to live life without the fear of losing what is most important to me.
I want to live life without regret, enjoy every chaotic day and cherish even the trying times. Life is too short to focus on the negative...so, here's to me squashing this negativity. Here's to me living life to it's fullest and focusing on today.
On what I have TODAY. Living life in the present. Taking it one day at a time.
And here's to no more tears at the bar. (Hey, that'd make a good country song, dontcha think? "Tears at the Bar"...)
I don't like being that girl.