Monday, February 28, 2011

More of What I've Learned...

This grief stuff? It's hard.

I'm a fixer...a nurturer, and when I see my loved ones hurting, I want to make it all better. So, when the Mr. was having a hard time the other night, I wanted to hug him, to let him cry, to love him.

But that's not how HE grieves.

When a couple is grieving, it's like you're dancing a delicate dance...wherein, at times, you will dance so close it's hard to distinguish where one person ends and another begins, and at other times, you find yourself dancing side by side.

In the immediate aftermath of Verd's tragic death, each one of us was so raw with our grief, we danced that close dance. Comforting, loving, supporting. Now, as we have begun to grieve while going through the motions of daily life, I find our difficult times come separate from one another.

I have come to realize that, while a big, long hug makes ME feel is not what everyone wants. It's not what my husband wants.

And so, I now set out to discover what I can do to help my show him my support in ways OTHER than a hug.

In the week following Verd's funeral, my incredibly amazing friend, S., came to help me get my house in order. The love and support and kindness and compassion she has shown us is incredible. SHE is incredible. (Love ya, S.!!)

She told me that she talked to my husband the night after she came and worked her butt off (while I cried and talked and cried and maybe dusted here and there and talked some more) to get my home clean, that my sweet man said, "You have no idea what a clean house does for me."

She's right. A clean house has always made him feel relaxed...and so, she suggested that I show him my support through a clean house.

And that's what I will do.

Because I'm a fixer. And I just want to make him feel better.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you know you have so many praying for you. My husband and I lost our BEST FRIEND a year ago in January. And I know to some a best friend is nothing like blood brothers. But with those two it was diffrent. Neither had a brother and neither were close to their own family. They were closer than blood brothers if thats possible. Like you two, at the beging we were on the same page. We both cried and held each other. Our kids took it hard and we dealt with them together. After the initial shock and we started back to our normal lives things changed. I would catch him in an ill mood and wonder what I did. Later he would say, Its NFL draft week Jason would have called me a 100 times today to talk about who went where. Little things like that I did not see the hurt. I pray that you guys quickly find the peace your heart needs. :) (sorry this was so long)


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