As "lucky" homeowners, we've never before had to deal with insurance adjusters, claims, and "withholding checks"...we're totally green at this.
I'd like to take this opportunity, to share with you, what we've learned over the last month.
My friends..."How To Make an Insurance Claim...brought to you by, Mama M."
1. Have a *tree (*insert your "Natural Disaster" here) fall on your **house (**insert your affected asset here).
2. Immediately stock up on whiskey...or, if drinking is not your thing, a good, sturdy cement block upon which you'll repeatedly bash your head.
3. Since it is the weekend, because above stated natural disasters never happen during business hours, plan to spend the next couple of days practicing your preferred method of step #2.
4. Never mistakenly think things will move quickly, and that you'll be able to just lickety split make above stated claim, contact insurance adjuster, arrange time for adjuster to "adjust" said claim, and secure a contractor. If you're lucky, it'll only take 90 years.
5. Remember, good guys never win. Which means, you'll hafta be the bad guy if you wanna win...or else you'll get screwed.
6. In between steps 3, 4, and 5...you may need to repeat step 2 if you either A) run out of whiskey, or B) bash your cement block to smithereens with overuse.
7. When your "partial" insurance check arrives in the mail...don't think you can just go to the bank to tuck it away safely. Ohhhhhhhh no. Said check needs to be carted all over the Upper MidWest to secure endorsements.
8. After you've driven to Timbuktu for an endorsement, you'll learn that you need copies of your drivers' licences (plural "drivers" because everyone and their brother with whom you've had any contact with in the last 400 years will need to ante up their driver's license for the endorsement), a copy of some kind of worksheet, a big hearty sigh, and a major attitude adjustment.
9. Leave Timbuktu with unendorsed check and (this is optional) flip the insurance company the bird for not informing you of requirements.
10. On your way home from Timbuktu, stop at either A) the liquor store (for more whiskey) or B) the hardware store (for more cement blocks).
11. Decide it would just be easier to live in an apartment. Until you remember that you have 5 kids, in which case living in an apartment would likely drive you to the loony bin.
12. Change your mind about the apartment, and instead, wish you were independently wealthy, debt free and had no use for insurance.
13. Forget where you put the check that needs signatures from everyone short of the President of the United States.
14. Heave a big, hearty sigh, shrug your shoulders, and laugh. 'Cuz if you don't laugh, you're liable to cry...and laughing is just a lot more fun.