Five children of varying age, height and gender. Found unharmed, but not sparkling clean, quiet or perfectly behaved. Previously mentioned "aliens, monsters and hoodlums" have been released pending charges.
Any leads or tips on suspected kidnapping can be directed to me, their grateful, but slightly demented, crazy, pre-menstrual mother. In fact, I suspect that in my hormone haze, I was just, perhaps, not seeing my children clearly, and that maybe, they weren't actually kidnapped in the first place.
Hmmmm, looks like I'll be dropping those charges...