On Tuesday, it's my baby brother's birthday...apparently, I forgot to mention him last year, and he's been boycotting my blog ever since (fair weather friend, he is, huh?!). I figured, to make up for it, I'd mention him twice this year.
Maybe.
So, after work last night, I met my mom and bros out for a celebratory drink for the "Golden Child". (BTW...he turns 24 this year. I told him that when I was 24, I was married and had my 2nd baby on the way...what's his hold-up?! Oh, and PS...he doesn't normally look this cocky. He's actually nice and sweet and funny and I'm taking applications for a future sister-in-law, I mean for his future bride.)
Got to the bar, bellied up, ordered myself a Mike's Lemonade (even tho' is wasn't a perfect 75 degree day) and proceeded to shoot the sh** with my peeps. Before too long, talk turned to memories.
Memories of grandpa...the good times. Spearing suckers, McMaster's and Squirt, "How do?", and dancing cheek to cheek. And then...
I cried.
At the bar.
I was that girl...crying at the bar. Ugh.
To my horror (and I'm sure the horror of my company), I cried. Not "tears welling up" cry...but actual "tears running down my cheeks while I hastily swipe them away" cry.
My mom, the eternal optimist, pointed out (in her "momish" way) how blessed I am with my 5 amazing kids. And I am.
But I still cried. In a bar. And they weren't even drunk tears.
My big brother said what's been on my mind..."it made me realize that I'm getting older...that everyone is getting older". I don't want everyone to get older. As blessed as I am, my mind is not in a good spot right now. I give myself pep talks all day...but the truth is, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid what the rest of the year can bring. As shitty as this year has been, I recognize that, yes, it could get worse. And I pray that it doesn't.
I pray that this grip on my heart eases and that I can get rid of this doom that I feel. That I can go back to being carefree...that I can look at my blessings in life and think about what I have, rather than what I could lose.
Generally, I tend to be a positive person...and I want that positivity back. I want to see the sunshine in every opportunity, to not be afraid of what tomorrow holds, and to live life without the fear of losing what is most important to me.
I want to live life without regret, enjoy every chaotic day and cherish even the trying times. Life is too short to focus on the negative...so, here's to me squashing this negativity. Here's to me living life to it's fullest and focusing on today.
On what I have TODAY. Living life in the present. Taking it one day at a time.
And here's to no more tears at the bar. (Hey, that'd make a good country song, dontcha think? "Tears at the Bar"...)
I don't like being that girl.
You guys have been through so much this year, it would be really hard to not be down. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteWould it have been okay if it hadn't been a bar?
ReplyDeleteSounds like you needed to cry, and you did. It's all part of healing.
I have only read a few of your posts, so I don't know all that's going on in your life. I will pray that your prayers are answered. Sometimes it's so hard to accept God's will, isn't it?
I turned 50 last year, and two week's later my good friend Vicki died. We had her service on the same day she had selected for her 25th birthday. I'm not trying to hit you with a perspective stick, but I do use it on myself. Whenever I feel like 50 is hard or life is hard, I think of Vic--and though she's with Jesus--she probably would've changed places with me while she was here...
Sincerely, praying for you, but hope you also know it's okay to feel what you feel.
Sometimes a real good cry is what you need to feel better. I am so sorry and you and your family are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteAww, tons of love and strength being sent your way. Of course you have a fantastic family but you want to share them with the family that helped raise you. I totally get it. My grandmother is 98, 99 in November. I always thought I'd share my 'babies' with her. Well, hasn't worked out that way yet.
ReplyDeleteYou've definitely been dealt a tough hand this year but thank goodness for your strong and loving family! Families rock.
Tell little bro extra handsome, I mean extra happy birthday! (;
Too bad he's nowhere near Alaska; I can think of a great girl (:
hugs
ReplyDeleteAhhh girl! BIG HUGS!!!
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound like anyone minded that you were "that girl!" = ) Sometimes that it all you need!
ReplyDeletethe thing that i like to remember when i have a moment where i'm "that girl" is that when i go out at other times and i see a girl crying i should not make any assumptions! sometimes, you just gotta cry it out!
ReplyDeleteon a lighter note, i love the pic of your bro! hahaha!
Praying the worst is over for you this year.
ReplyDeleteYou shouldn't have any trouble finding a new SIL. Shew wee! Tsssss! Smokin' :)
Mama M!
ReplyDeleteI love your blog, it is my favorite. Your raw honesty is beautiful and the people who know you irl are so freakin' blessed!
oh man, I hate when that happens to me. tears when i am in a good mood
ReplyDeletehope your year starts to improve! when you have to cry, just cry, don't worry about it.
ReplyDeletehappy sunday to you and your family!
btw, i just turned 24 last month...your brother is pretty cute :)
Oh, how I can relate to this post. These feelings you're fighting right now ruled my life for such a long time. I really struggled to bring myself out of the slump I was in and find a new way of thinking. It took time, but I did it and you can, too. And you WILL! Just keep counting those blessings and realize that if it weren't for these down times, we'd never truly appreciate all the good in our lives.
ReplyDeleteYou have to make a conscious effort EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. As soon as you awaken each morning, write down three things for which you're grateful. Then write down at least one thing you're going to do to make the day a good one. Slip a love note to your hubby, surprise your kids with a picnic dinner, just anything that involves brightening someone else's day. Committing RAOK's makes YOUR life BETTER! Things will be looking better before you know it. Promise. :)
Hope you feel happier again soon, but sometimes a good cry is all we need.
ReplyDeleteShame I live in the UK because I turn 23 this year, and not wanting to give him a big head or anything but he is cute!
OMG I can't believe I just typed that. *blushes embarrassed*
M, I'm praying for you! And I'm always good for a laugh/smile session. One more reason I wish we were neighbors! I'd meet you at the fence post with a Mikes and box of kleenex. :) Hang in there girl, keep praying!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind being the girl with the smoken hot lil brother! yummy!
ReplyDeleteOh, Mama M, i am still praying for you! I'm so sorry! I hate hate hate crying in public, like that, no matter where it is, but sometimes it just happens!! I'm glad you were w/ family when it did & i don't think they minded that you were "that girl". I see by your latest post you're feeling better today... :) {HUGS!}
ReplyDelete