One of the things I love most about my job (aside from watching the miracle of birth and helping new babies nurse) is hearing people mispronounce L&D words.
Sometimes, it's really, really hard to keep a straight face and not clutch my belly and fall to the floor in fits of laughter!
Let me share some with you...
EpiDERMal. As in, "Nurse, get me my epiDERMal now!!!" Friends, you have your epidermal already. It's a layer of skin, the "epidermis", and trust me when I tell you "getting an epidermal" will not help you deal with the pain of labor. At all. Now, an epiDURal...that will help you.
ConSTRACtions. As in, "Holy man! These conSTRACtions are getting real bad! I might need my epidermal soon!" ConSTRACtion is what I imagine an old mob boss from Boston would do if he wanted to build something. "Let's get this constraction project going, Uncle Rocco. By the way...nice yellow suit." (That last bit was an inside joke. The yellow suit bit.) So, when your conTRACtions (no 's') get bad, lemme know and we'll get you your epiDURal.
PALEONtologist. As in, "I need to speak with the PALEONtologist about my high risk pregnancy." Actually, dear, what you need is a PERINAtologist. A paleontologist will not be able to give you advice on your high risk pregnancy. He's a bone dude. Not to be confused with an orthopedist.
LactaTING Consultant. As in, "Could I please speak to the lactaTING consultant?" While it is entirely possible that the lactaTION consultant is, indeed, lactating, what you are looking for is a lactaTION consultant. (This one just makes me smile...and, in all reality, it's really not that far off the mark!)
NuBON. As in, "My conSTRACtions are starting to get bad, but before I get my epiDERMal, I'd like to try some NuBON in my IV." I'm not really sure what NuBON is, but it sounds like a spin off of Cinn-a-BON, so maybe I'd like it. But, what YOU would like, for those contractions, is NuBAIN. That'll help. Or, at least make you feel drunk.
STats: As in, "My newborns STats keep dropping to 73%!". I'm sure that there actually ARE some STats that your newborn could drop in, say...on the growth curve or something...but, what you really mean, is "My newborns SAts keep dropping!". Sats = saturations. You know, how much oxygen is in the blood.
This list will continue to grow! Nurses...if you'd like something added to the list, lemme know! I'll give you credit! (And, note to self: Begin writing down silly mis-sayings so that next time, you don't blank out.)