Monday, January 11, 2010

Delivery Room Thoughts...


Ever wonder what the heck goes through people's minds in certain situations?

Like, for example...I always wonder what is going through the dentist's mind when he's looking in my mouth (the hygienist? Now, I know what she's thinkin'...she's a chatty one!).

Is he thinking, "ewwww...she has some nasty breath!"...or, "dang, girl! You've got some nice pearly whites!". In reality it's probably more along the lines of "hmmmm...I wonder what time the Vikes play on Sunday"...or, "Stupid root canals...made me miss my lunch again".

Well, the fabulous Unkept Cook, said I should do a "Talkin' Shop" post on delivery room thoughts...and I thought..."YES!! Fabulastic idea, my friend!"...so, where do we start?

With the pushing? Makes sense...I mean, we could start from the hospital admission...but, we'd be here for daaaaays.

So, pushing it is:

Pushing Thoughts:

Mom: "Oh...I gotta poop...why is this baby insisting on coming out of my rectum...oh, I hope I don't poop...uh oh...I need to barf...am I doing this right...I hope I'm doing this right...it doesn't feel like I'm doing anything...when is the nurse gonna call the doctor in?"

Dad: "What on earth is taking so long...what is that...oh my gosh, she just pooped...I'm not sure I feel so good...hmmmm, I wonder if they know that there are 425 tiles on the ceiling...when is the nurse gonna call the doctor in?"

Nurse: "More poop...at least she's pushing right...wonder how long this'll take...I'm dying to go pee...good thing I've gotta bladder of steel...I wonder if they're wondering when I'll call the doctor in?"

Doctor: well, the doctor's not thinking anything...'cuz he or she is down the hall eating supper, sitting in a comfy leather chair and waiting for the call to come catch the baby.

Getting close to delivery:

Mom: "Ooooooo...this hurts!!!! Seriously, this baby is going to come out of my rectum!!!!! If my husband pats my back/doesn't pat my back/breathes in my face/doesn't give me a kiss/tells me I'm doing a good job/doesn't give me any praise ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna smack him!! OH, when is she gonna call the doctor in?!!!!!"

Dad: "Wow...she's so indecisive...I just don't know what to do...what is that? The baby's HEAD?!!! Ohmigosh. When is that nurse gonna call the doctor?!!!!!"

Nurse: "Getting closer...guess my bladder can hold up til the end...wonder if I'll have time for supper after delivery...poor dad, looks so worried about doing the right thing...mama's sure doin' a great job of getting this baby out...guess I should call the doctor now."

Doctor: "Dang...can't watch the end of the game...at least I finished my supper."

Delivery Time:

Mom
: "OMG!!!!!!! This effin' hurts!! So THAT is what they call the ring of fire?!!!!!! JUST GET IT OUT!!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!! GET IT OUT! IS IT OUT YET?!?!?!? It's here? Wow...oh, look at this sweet little punkin of a love bug!"

Dad: "omg...omg...omg...omg...omg...omg...omg...omg...it's here...omg...omg...omg...omg...omg..."

Nurse: "Almost there...dad kinda looks like he's gonna pass out...here comes the head...oh, come on mama...push hard for those shoulders...legs back....and...WE'RE OUT!! Pit: on...fluids: open...baby: breathing...dad: standing...blood pressure: normal...bleeding: okay...fundus: firm...baby: pink...dad: still standing...mom: beaming."

Doctor: "Protect the perineum, bulb suction...I wonder if Bob can golf on Saturday...shoulders coming...baby out...glad this was done before bedtime...bleeding good...nice delivery...and no stitches...good work, doc!" ;)

And, that...my friends...is "Delivery Room Thoughts", in a nutshell!


48 comments:

  1. Oh, this post takes me waaayyy back...you know, to two weeks ago. ;)

    In addition to the omg thoughts of the dad, my man most surely was thinking...omg...diaper cost...omg...college fund...omg...wedding (scratch that...I'll let her elope...no I will insist!)...omg

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  2. cute!!!!
    that whole pooping thing. After three deliveries I still don't know if I did or didn't. Its the one thing I swore my husband to never speak of!!!

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  3. OMG...this made me laugh so hard...great post!

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  4. Fantabulastic Post Bestie! Laughed hard and made me glad I won't be givin' birth any time soon :)

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  5. That was awesome, Mama M! Loved it!

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  6. OMG, I wish I hadn't been drinking coffee while I was reading your post.

    This is just too funny. Great post.

    Karen

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  7. Haha loved the post! so cute! I can't wait to be in that situation one day..or..maybe not.

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  8. Great post as usual! I love your "shop talk"!!

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  9. great post friend. really that's exactly what it's like!!

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  10. Hahaha! You had me cracking up. I never got that far into thinking, as I had to have a c-section, but I guess that just brings up all other kinds of thoughts!

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  11. Oh, boy. As someone who hasn't had kids yet, this is not helping me to look forward to it!!! :)

    Although I'm sure it is all worth it.

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  12. LOVE it! I seriously did worry about pooping, but the nurse assured me that she has seen it plenty of times before! Luckily, I didn't poop...

    Your job has to be one of the hardest, but yet rewarding jobs ever. The nurses truly do all the work in l&d, the doctor just catches the baby, or at least that is how my expereince was.

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  13. Great! Funny! The doctor's thoughts are hilarious. We used a midwife in the hospital...and loved it. They spent so much time with us. BTW, the L&D nurses were pretty fantastic, too! ;)

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  14. Why, yes, i do often wonder what they are thinking!!! (Well, not in the delivery room since i haven't had kids yet, but other doctors.) This post was hilarious! & i'm sure sooo true! Thanks for the laugh!!!

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  15. Why, yes, i do often wonder what they are thinking!!! (Well, not in the delivery room since i haven't had kids yet, but other doctors.) This post was hilarious! & i'm sure sooo true! Thanks for the laugh!!!

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  16. Doctor: "Protect the perineum, bulb suction...I wonder if Bob can golf on Saturday..." LOLOL!!

    I wonder if my midwives golf...??

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  17. LOL..thank, I love it! And for the record as a Dental Assistant, when Im looking in someone's mouth i'm usually thinking of one a few things.
    "omigosh, do they even know what a toothbrush is???"
    "I wonder if she bleaches her teeth? they're so white!"
    "this better not take forever, I wanna get home before 7!!"

    Don't forget to floss!!

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  18. that was cute!

    I can tell you during the delivery of my 2nd daughter my doctor for sure was thinking, this lady is stupid I can't believe she turned down getting any meds what the hell was she thinking, what an idiot! LOL he laughed at me the next day LOL

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  19. Too funny!! Do you have a C-Section version?

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  20. I love shop talk, hilarious!!! :)

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  21. LOL You had both my husband AND me laughing like crazy!!!! It was 3 years ago TODAY that our youngest was born. Oh great! Now I have HUGE baby fever. Thanks a lot, my dear. (hahaha)

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  22. Oh my goodness..this post is so funny!!! Thanks so much for the laugh.

    I remember when I was pushing..that I was counting to 10 in my head, and also thinking to myself, "Why isn't anyone counting for me?"

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  23. FUNNY! :-)
    You should teach lamaze or labor and delivery classes for expectant parents, you would be good at it. :)

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  24. Aaaargh, don't remind me this part of my life I've removed 8/

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  25. That is why I am glad I had a c-section and don't remember the whole experience!

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  26. This is so funny...Remind me to tell you about my overhearing a nurse talk to a VERY young mama who was in the delivery room...I found it very funny!

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  27. I think you edited what the nurse is really thinking. hehe Oh wait maybe l&d nurses are nicer than ICU nurses.

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  28. I've never been there, so I can't say that this is familiar in any way ... but OH MY GOODNESS did it make me giggle! :)

    Thanks for sharing!

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  29. What about thoughts from the OR...?

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  30. LOL! That's why I use a midwife!

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  31. That takes me back to 6-months ago...it is amazing how much you forget in such a short time!! Thanks for reminding me...Hahaha!

    ~WM

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  32. THANKS for a great laugh. :)

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  33. We just got back from our childbirth class and this made me laugh because I'm certain that these thoughts ran through both of our minds tonight. Love it!

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  34. HAHA I LOVE this!!!!

    okay so NOONE ever told me about the pooping thing until like a couple of months ago. My older friend is pregnant and she read about it in a book! She told me and we flipped!!! neither of us had a clue! lol

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  35. pooping in the delivery room? Been there, done that.

    Done that at a UCSF, a teaching hospital, with 2 dozen medical students looking at my bottom while I pooped.

    Back in 1983 when they first allowed a C-section to go vaginal and I was the 3rd woman to do this at UCSF so they all had to watch me do it. I remember looking at them and swearing at my husband to get them out of there.

    I can loook back and laugh now, 26 years later.

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  36. I laughed SO DANG hard that I cried! LOVED this post- thanks!!!! And BTW, if you're really serious about the Legos- we order them from Lego.com!

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  37. ...and this is why I'm thinking of having a midwife instead of a doctor, whenever that time comes for me. :) Where I live in CO, a LOT of ppl do homebirths, but I'm 30+ minutes from a hospital and just not comfortable with that. However, the more I read, the less I'm psyched about the typical hospital delivery either!

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  38. Why doesn't anyone warn you of the pooping thing? I know I did. All 4 times!! Yikes, that's embarrassing.

    Such a funny and true post. You nurses get the kudos for getting us moms through it all so the doctor can catch the babies.

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  39. Come on....you know you're thinking "I wish this lady would learn to push so this doesn't take so long!" Or..."Stop screaming and PUSH!" You were being a bit too nice :)

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  40. Okay, first of all, I'm 7 months pregnant, so that is my disclaimer. I know your post was meant to be funny, but I am totally have tons of tears running down my face right now! And my husband just called and I had to pretend I wasn't crying! I think the part that got to me was when you had such nice things to say about the mom. I really hope my nurse will feel that way about me. And the doctor thoughts were hilarious!

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  41. Okay, I am usually working on the "eew" side of the bed, but I've been the momma, too. I think you've nailed this!!! Great post!!

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I love comments! And, I welcome your thoughts that aren't in agreement with mine...as long as they are respectful!

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