My Little Life

It's a person. A loved one. Someone who has a name, a relationship, a special place in a grieving person's heart. To call that a "loss" is so impersonal. Perhaps I'm alone in feeling this way, perhaps other bereaved people don't mind hearing "I'm sorry for your loss", but to me, when Verd passed away, it was almost insulting. He was, IS, so much more than "my loss". My brother's girlfriend's father just passed away in his sleep. My childhood best friend just lost her mother to cancer, and all over Facebook I keep seeing, "I'm sorry for your loss". Ugh. I realize people don't know what to say, that speaking about death or talking to someone who is walking the agonizing path of grief is difficult for some people, but please take this to heart: It is comforting to hear the name of the loved one you are so desperately missing. If it isn't comfortable for you to say the name of the deceased, then say...

It's been 2 years. 2 years since I received the most horrific phone call, telling me that there had been an accident. That Verd was gone . I remember the shock. The disbelief. The praying that it was all a bad mistake while simultaneously reminding myself that no one would make a mistake like this. Two years. The tears are less and less frequent, but when they come, they catch me so off guard that they steal my breath away. It might be a song on the radio, a word on a billboard, or a stranger walking on the street that so resembles Verd that I have to do a double take. When they say time heals, I now know that it is true. The raw, gaping wounds have healed over, but the scar on our hearts remains. The thing about scars is they never go away, this scar will forever be on our hearts, a reminder of the amazing man we lost that tragic night two years ago. His legacy lives on. His mark, left on our community forever. Just the other night we were at a hockey game, talking...

One year ago, our world came crashing down around us with one phone call. One year ago, I experienced heartbreak and sorrow like I never have before. One year ago, I learned what it was like to support your spouse through unimaginable pain. One year ago , we had to tell our kids that their incredible uncle was now watching over them from above. One year ago, I discovered that I hated the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss.". One year ago , I realized that my emotions come in all consuming waves at times I least expect it. One year ago, I had to talk myself into believing it was true. One year ago, I "what if'ed " and "if only" and "why'd" myself crazy. One year ago, I didn't know how things would be in a year . One year later, the hole in our lives is still ever present, but there is healing . One year later, I am so happy to see how easily we talk about Verd . One year later, we are remembering...we are reminiscing...we are l...

A couple of months before Christmas, I had read somewhere that if you have had a major life change in the past year (death, divorce, move, etc.) that you should create a new tradition for the holidays. Something to look forward to in the (in our case) absence of a loved one. Knowing how hard it was going to be on everyone to not have Verd at our Christmas this year, I thought "We have to do something new.". As I pondered what new tradition we could start, the only thing that kept coming to mind were the Chinese lanterns from "Tangled". To be honest, I didn't even know if they were real or not. I mean, I saw them on a cartoon, for Pete's sake! So, one night I turned to Google and sure enough, there they were. With an explanation of how they work (hot air balloon theory). I wasn't sure how the rest of the family would feel about it, or if anyone had something else planned , so I checked with them and got a resounding "YES!!"! And the ordering be...

Update: YES! You can (and will you?) vote every day! ---------------------- I saw something that caught my eye yesterday. A contest for a "Hero Mom"...immediately, I thought of someone. Someone who is so deserving of the title "Hero Mom". My sister-in-law. Verd's wife . So, I entered...and nominated her. Here's where I need your help. The winner is chosen by a voting method. It's powered by BlogFrog and super easy to do (no registration required!!). Just click here , find my entry ("Mama M.") and click the "vote" button. I have pledged that if "I" win (and of course, by "I" I most definitely mean my sister-in-law) I will give her every penny of that cash prize. Will you vote for my entry? I'll appreciate you forever and ever if you do...

Let's see...where did we leave off yesterday? Oh, yes. K. telling me there were some "negatives"... That's when she said, "Well, there's been a few negatives. I wanted to talk to you about that, is now an okay time?" Immediately my thoughts went to some sort of misbehavior on The Pal's part. What it turned out to be, left more of an impact than any sort of teenage shenanigans. She told me that this year's curriculum was "Theology of the Body". A very tender, personal, important curriculum. She filled me in on how she wasn't aware of this year's teachings. Of how she appeared to be left out of the "loop" of teachers. Of how they really wanted male/female pairs to teach these 10 th graders. (BTW, Verd would've been perfect for this. Absolutely perfect. Great with kids, incredibly strong in his marriage, his faith, his being .) K. told me, through tears, that she took the material home opened it up to the first less...

(FYI...this is a two part post. As the result of a Twitter poll, most people said they'd prefer two shorter posts over one long one. So two it is!) It's been just over 6 months since we lost my brother-in-law in that tragic January accident . 6 months. It feels like it was just yesterday and a lifetime ago, all at the same time. The wound that his death left on us, on our community, is so deep, that I'm certain that none of us will ever be the same. Most of that change will be for good; in the way we love, the way we live, the way we will help others and the way we will show our support for other grieving families. We have learned so much from being touched by the cruel hand of tragedy. One thing that strikes me, is how we so often live our lives so wrapped up in ourselves that rarely do we take the time to touch base with our loved ones. Prior to Verd's death, it wouldn't be unlikely for me to go a couple of weeks without seeing or talking to him. Since his accide...

As most of you all know, my amazing brother-in-law, Verd , died in a tragic accident on January 31st. The support from our community has been incredible. They are putting on a Benefit for his wife and 7 kids. A silent auction will be held during the benefit...and here's where I need your help. (And here's where I step out of my "comfort zone" to ask you for something...) I am looking for anyone who would be willing to donate a fabulous product for the silent auction, all of the proceeds will go directly to Verd's family. Thank you so much for considering this...feel free to contact me at: fivecrookedhalos (at) gmail (dot) com. Here is a link to the flyer for the benefit, with contact info for people who are "in charge" of the benefit and silent auction, if you would rather go that route!

Are quite the organization! My brother-in-law, Verd , was not only an incredible man, but he was extremely involved in youth hockey. The Minnesota Wild caught wind of this, and have been INCREDIBLY generous to his family! In addition to offering their support in the immediate aftermath of Verd's accident, they recently contacted my SIL and offered something more: Tickets in an "Executive Suite" to yesterday's game...for ALL of Verd's family, up to 50 people! So, yesterday our family was able to all be together (most of us) and watch the Wild play the Lightening in the comfort of a suite. And MAN was it sweet!! Except I forgot my camera. *insert "idiot" here* (One of these things is not like the other...can you spot it?) Good thing for my crappy iPhone camera! To the Minnesota Wild: On behalf of the Verd A. family, THANK YOU! Thank you for your generosity in a time of unbelievable grief and sadness. You provided us some much needed fun time and distracti...

At the beginning of last week, the good moments, the good days, were starting to outnumber the bad ones. Smiles were becoming more frequent than tears...the hurt was still there, the memories still the first thing on my mind when I woke...but healing was happening. Then, Thursday rolled around...and I received news that a wonderful co-worker had passed away after a sudden illness. In the first hour of hearing that news, I felt numb. Still emotionally exhausted from my grief over losing Verd , I couldn't process the feelings I had about Barb's death. However, I suddenly found the tears hard to keep away, again. It was as if hearing about Barb's death had ripped the freshly formed scabs on my raw emotions right off. I went to conferences for Belle and E.W., one with a teacher whose children were in Verd's wife's daycare (and so, very close to them) and the other with a teacher who is a children's grief counselor at a summer camp. I was weepy through the first co...

Here's the thing about grief...about losing a loved one...you soon discover that you are part of a very unfortunate club. A club that includes too many people that have had to endure the pain of losing someone close to them. People you see everyday, people you know well, will begin to tell you about their experiences with death. I am amazed by the amount of people who have lost someone close to them. Who have struggled with these very feelings that I have. Who have survived the pain and learned how to live their "new reality". Hearing these stories, seeing people who have lived this anguish, makes me feel a little bit normal. A little bit normal, when sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Literally. After spending the week of Verd's death in a state of mind that left me truly feeling like I was just having a horrific dream, this week I found myself, at times, feeling like it never really happened. Like he wasn't really dead, just away. I wonder if this is part ...

Reminders. Everywhere. Letters from school that all the families got, newspaper clippings, questions from kids. I'd just like to ask for your patience with this little ol' blog of mine. It may be a little time before I'm back to talking about poop and telling silly stories. I kind of feel like my pilot light's been snuffed out. I've found that having this blog and being able to write out my grief has been helpful to me...I know it's probably not been the most fun for you, though, so bear with me. Just so you know...I AM planning on doing Five Question Friday this week...I'm hoping that it sparks my humor and hopefully helps to relight my pilot light. Once again, I want to thank you all for your words...they REALLY did help me.

Tomorrow marks the return to a "new reality" for our family. After a couple of good days, I know everyone is apprehensive about what tomorrow will bring. I guess we'll just have to see. This past week has taught me a lot...not the least of which was how many lives my brother-in-law had touched. Over 2,500 people waited in line, each for about 2 hours, to pay their respects to him at his wake. I was blown away...we were ALL blown away. At his funeral, the church held more people than it had ever held before...Christmas mass and Easter Sunday included. Our priest was even amazed. I also learned, probably most importantly, just what an amazing family I married into. Just how wonderful they all are, how strong they all are, how faithful they all are. As I spent this week "disconnected", I realized I was more connected than I had ever been...to my family. I learned that the things that matter most in life are those that can't have a value placed on them. It's...

Grief ...it's like a thick sludge, hard to wade through, difficult to know which way is up, feeling like you'll never get out of it. Today was a rough day. I'm not sure if it was just setting in, or that grief coupled with today being Baby Girl's and my birthday, was just a bad combination, but whatever it was, I found it hard to keep the tears at bay. Just when I thought I'd have it pulled together, I'd hear or read the words, "I'm sorry", or field a phone call, or think about the amazing outpouring of love and support...and the tears would flow. Fast and furious. I've discovered that my rock, my strength, comes from being around family; specifically, my husband. When I'm alone, the thoughts and memories coming flooding in and the tears come pouring out. My brother-in-law, Verd , was an amazing man. Actually, "amazing" doesn't even do him justice, I wish I could find a word great enough to describe the kind of man he was. My...