My Little Life

Only, this one's for the men. Ladies, grab your man...I'm about to explain you to him. Okay men, pull up a chair...we're gonna have a chat, you and I. Approximately 2 ( ish ) weeks after " shakin ' hands" with your wife, she will pee upon a little stick with some kind of initials similar to EPT . You will likely have no idea that she's done this. Instead, the first you will hear about it, you will either be met with one of two expressions: tearful joy or hostile anger (as in the "how could you DO this to me?!"). How you react to those expressions is VERY imperative to your well being. You see, pregnant women are unpredictable (and slightly crazy. HEY! No getting angry. I've been an unpredictable, slightly crazy woman 5 times in my life. 'Member?) Knowing the sweet, savvy communication skills that you have, you will nail the response perfectly. (Right?) In the next few weeks, your wife will become rather...green. She will likely send you ...

Having survived 5 (five) pregnancies, I feel qualified to talk about the changes (many) that happen to your body during the 9 (ten) months that your body is taken over in the creating of another human being. Let me give you a timeline: Approximately 4 weeks after your last period you pee on a stick and wait with *** (fear, anticipation, anxiety, dread, excitement...insert your emotion of choice here) for the recommended 2 minutes for that 2 nd little line to appear or not. 7.2 hours after that second line appears, you will find yourself hungrier that you've ever been in your entire adult life so help me GOD I need a donut RIGHT NOW!! 8.9 hours after that , the insatiable hunger turns into more of a gut rot feeling. Are you hungry or queasy? You can't really tell. 13.2 hours after the gut rot sinks in, you find yourself resting your head on the cool porcelain of the toilet...trying to calm your stomach and cool the inferno that is coming from your core. The inferno doesn'...