Monday, January 24, 2011

More Frank Talk about Pregnancy.

Only, this one's for the men.

Ladies, grab your man...I'm about to explain you to him.

Okay men, pull up a chair...we're gonna have a chat, you and I.

Approximately 2 (ish) weeks after "shakin' hands" with your wife, she will pee upon a little stick with some kind of initials similar to EPT. You will likely have no idea that she's done this.

Instead, the first you will hear about it, you will either be met with one of two expressions: tearful joy or hostile anger (as in the "how could you DO this to me?!").

How you react to those expressions is VERY imperative to your well being. You see, pregnant women are unpredictable (and slightly crazy. HEY! No getting angry. I've been an unpredictable, slightly crazy woman 5 times in my life. 'Member?)

Knowing the sweet, savvy communication skills that you have, you will nail the response perfectly. (Right?)

In the next few weeks, your wife will become She will likely send you to the store for something or other that she is certain will make her feel better and calm her roiling tummy.

You will leave, and be no further than the driveway, and she will change her mind.

It is for the benefit of your relationship that you keep your cell phone on your person AT ALL TIMES! when making these emergency "I NEED SOMETHING NOW!!!" runs to the store. If you shall forget your phone in the car, you can bet that she will have called you 31 times, with 31 different requests.

I know this, because I did it once myself. Called 31 times, not forgot my phone in the car. Just makin' that clear...

Now, listen to me VERY carefully when I tell you that you CAN NOT get frustrated with your wife...she's in a delicate state, you know. When you get out to the car and notice the 31 messages on your phone. Just be safe and get every single thing she asked you for in each of the 31 messages.

Then (and this is where you must learn to possess superpowers) attempt to read your wife's mind...and pick up a 32nd item for her. Just in case.

It'll be the wrong thing, but just pick it up anyway.

Now, when you get home, you'll be met with a meek smile and a, "Well, hon...actually, I really want KFC now." And you will bundle your cute little self back into the car and go to KFC.

The next day, she will seemingly feel perfect. Until...*** (she smells something yucky, she eats something yucky, you breathe on her, you say the wrong thing...insert mishap of choice). Whatever it is, it will more than likely be your fault.

Just roll with it. This too shall pass. Eventually. Maybe.

One day (okay, okay...many days) in the coming weeks, you will say something to her...something normal, something not unkind...and she will dissolve into tears. As she is crying her eyes out, she will also be laughing her butt off, because, although she can't help it, she knows she's wee bit crazy at the time.

However, if you do not play your cards right, suddenly the tables will turn, and rather than tears, you will be met with anger. Pure, red, angry anger.

Because you can never do anything right. Even when you do it all right, it's just never RIGHT ENOUGH.

At about this time, the second trimester hits. And, trust me when I say this, you will LOVE the second trimester.

Oh ho ho, YES, my friend. You will LOVE the second trimester.

Sometime near the beginning(ish) to middle(ish) to end(ish) of the third trimester, the insanity starts all over...with the addition of swollen ankles, bad skin, indigestion, sore ribs, aching back, over active bladder, and a blazing inferno coming from the center of her being.

The third trimester isn't maybe the greatest time to, say, ask about going on a guys trip to Vegas, or anything. Just sayin'.

I do promise, however, that this craziness will end. Someday you will get your wife back...the one you love, the one you married because she was so emotionally stable.

Someday, you will. I'm just not sure when, I haven't discovered that part, yet...

Best of luck to ya! ;)


  1. Man, I have been through this four times and every one have been so different. It is crazy at times for both men and women but you know the best part about it is?

    Well besides keeping and collecting pee'd on sticks!!!

    The sex at near the end of the pregnancy is AWESOME! F-ing and fireworks shooting off AWESOME

  2. I am not pregnant, nor married but I think you did a great job about giving us a graphical picture of the stages.

    Poor men!!

  3. I never got the second trimester liveliness that everyone always talks about.

  4. LOL! Adorable! I am going to make sure my husband reads this before we have our 1st =)

  5. I'm totally saving this for when I'm pregnant. Thanks Mama M!

  6. How funny! The only thing I craved was ice cream in any form and Near Beer (hate beer otherwise). Otherwise, I loved being pregnant, as long as I didn't get hot. If I hot hot, well, then, the gloves were off. However, I make up for that at, ummm, that PMS time. LOL Then the broomstick comes out and boy can I circle (24hours non-stop).

    It's going to be interesting watching all my sons go through this. I'll have to save this one for them.

  7. Love your posts about pregnancy!! Makes me laugh on days that are stressful..

  8. Love this! Except I am like this all through pregnancy, so my poor husband doesn't get a break at all! lol


I love comments! And, I welcome your thoughts that aren't in agreement with long as they are respectful!


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