Frank Talk About Pregnancy...

Having survived 5 (five) pregnancies, I feel qualified to talk about the changes (many) that happen to your body during the 9 (ten) months that your body is taken over in the creating of another human being.

Let me give you a timeline:

Approximately 4 weeks after your last period you pee on a stick and wait with *** (fear, anticipation, anxiety, dread, excitement...insert your emotion of choice here) for the recommended 2 minutes for that 2nd little line to appear or not.

7.2 hours after that second line appears, you will find yourself hungrier that you've ever been in your entire adult life so help me GOD I need a donut RIGHT NOW!!

8.9 hours after that, the insatiable hunger turns into more of a gut rot feeling. Are you hungry or queasy? You can't really tell.

13.2 hours after the gut rot sinks in, you find yourself resting your head on the cool porcelain of the toilet...trying to calm your stomach and cool the inferno that is coming from your core.

The inferno doesn't end. At least not for another 36 weeks or so.

When you're finally able to pull yourself away from the toilet, you'll find that your boobs have grown to 32x their normal size and hurt like a mother.

Then, approximately 10ish weeks (remember, I said "approximately" AND "ish"...this time frame is subject to change) after peeing on a stick and approximately 6ish weeks (see above disclaimer) after the queasy/gut rot/cuddling with the toilet/Dolly Pardon boobs kicks in, you'll miraculously feel better than you've ever felt in your life.

And your husband/boyfriend will have never looked hotter.

Ahhhh...the second trimester...a pregnant woman's best friend!! (Aside from her pillows, that is.)

Around this feeling fabulous time comes the "fat stage"...your clothes are getting tighter, you definitely FEEL pregnant, but you don't really look pregnant.

You have now reached the point when people you kinda know will look at you and think you better start laying off the donuts. Or beer. Or tacos. (Insert your indulgence of choice here...)

Those who do know you will begin to tell you how cute you are...even tho' you still think you look like you just need to pass a ton of gas.

Don't worry about this stage...it will pass quickly(ish) and before you know it, you'll have an adorably gigantic belly and that "glow" that people always talk about.

I'm convinced that "that glow" comes from the fact that your core body temperature has risen about 37 degrees above what it normally is. But, if you'd like to believe that it comes from some supernatural pregnancy thing, you go right ahead.

At some point, you will cease to be able to breathe, walk, talk, and eat...and you will begin to look forward to being in the most pain you can ever imagine: labor.

Soon, that day comes...you mutter, scream, cry, moan (pick your verb) a couple of "THIS FREAKIN' HURTS!!!!", seconds before a wiggly, squirming, wet, most beautiful baby in the whole world emerges from your body.

The love is instant (most of the time), the pain is gone (most of the time), and everything you didn't like about pregnancy is all but forgotten...or immediately deemed "worth it".

Any questions?