Monday, January 17, 2011

Frank Talk About Pregnancy...


Having survived 5 (five) pregnancies, I feel qualified to talk about the changes (many) that happen to your body during the 9 (ten) months that your body is taken over in the creating of another human being.

Let me give you a timeline:

Approximately 4 weeks after your last period you pee on a stick and wait with *** (fear, anticipation, anxiety, dread, excitement...insert your emotion of choice here) for the recommended 2 minutes for that 2nd little line to appear or not.

7.2 hours after that second line appears, you will find yourself hungrier that you've ever been in your entire adult life so help me GOD I need a donut RIGHT NOW!!

8.9 hours after that, the insatiable hunger turns into more of a gut rot feeling. Are you hungry or queasy? You can't really tell.

13.2 hours after the gut rot sinks in, you find yourself resting your head on the cool porcelain of the toilet...trying to calm your stomach and cool the inferno that is coming from your core.

The inferno doesn't end. At least not for another 36 weeks or so.

When you're finally able to pull yourself away from the toilet, you'll find that your boobs have grown to 32x their normal size and hurt like a mother.

Then, approximately 10ish weeks (remember, I said "approximately" AND "ish"...this time frame is subject to change) after peeing on a stick and approximately 6ish weeks (see above disclaimer) after the queasy/gut rot/cuddling with the toilet/Dolly Pardon boobs kicks in, you'll miraculously feel better than you've ever felt in your life.

And your husband/boyfriend will have never looked hotter.

Ahhhh...the second trimester...a pregnant woman's best friend!! (Aside from her pillows, that is.)

Around this feeling fabulous time comes the "fat stage"...your clothes are getting tighter, you definitely FEEL pregnant, but you don't really look pregnant.

You have now reached the point when people you kinda know will look at you and think you better start laying off the donuts. Or beer. Or tacos. (Insert your indulgence of choice here...)

Those who do know you will begin to tell you how cute you are...even tho' you still think you look like you just need to pass a ton of gas.

Don't worry about this stage...it will pass quickly(ish) and before you know it, you'll have an adorably gigantic belly and that "glow" that people always talk about.

I'm convinced that "that glow" comes from the fact that your core body temperature has risen about 37 degrees above what it normally is. But, if you'd like to believe that it comes from some supernatural pregnancy thing, you go right ahead.

At some point, you will cease to be able to breathe, walk, talk, and eat...and you will begin to look forward to being in the most pain you can ever imagine: labor.

Soon, that day comes...you mutter, scream, cry, moan (pick your verb) a couple of "THIS FREAKIN' HURTS!!!!", seconds before a wiggly, squirming, wet, most beautiful baby in the whole world emerges from your body.

The love is instant (most of the time), the pain is gone (most of the time), and everything you didn't like about pregnancy is all but forgotten...or immediately deemed "worth it".

Any questions?



37 comments:

  1. I love your blog. I would really appreciate a return "follow" to help spread the word of my mission to put food on the tables of every family in my county.
    http://projectfellowship.blogspot.com

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  2. I love this!! I am copying and printing it off for my dear friend who just found out she was preggers :) haha I love you blog :)

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  3. Love it, Mama M. That is it, in a nutshell. Well done.

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  4. Bahahaha! Being 25 weeks pregnant currently, I can relate to most of this. Obviously with the exception of the labor part. But I'm already ready to not be pregnant anymore. With 15 weeks to go. I'm in trouble!

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  5. This is awesome. I may need more of these kinds of posts in the very near future! (We plan to start trying in April, and we're only waiting till then b/c my sis is getting married at the end of this year & i don't want to be having conractions walking down the aisle as her MOH!) :) Anyway i'm super excited!

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  6. I adore this !!!!!!!!!
    What a fun read!

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  7. Love it! So true! Great description!

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  8. Being 35 weeks prego with my third I can totally relate to all of this! ha! Maybe your next one could be just on the mental/emotional insanity that comes with pregnancy.

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  9. Ha ha! I find myself currently at the stage of welcoming the most pain I will ever experience. At 38 1/2 weeks preggers I am SOOO ready to meet this baby boy!

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  10. gonna past this well written amusing look at being preggy to my sister a mother of 8 :)

    The only difference for me and I totally felt ripped off!! Was that after the trimester I like to call the honeymoon stage the middle trimester I got sick again. I DO NOT like the 1st and in my case with my youngest the last trimester!!
    But as you say all is soon forgotten about (kinda) :) :) :)

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  11. LOL I SOOO LOVE this!!! The most perfect description of pregnancy EVER!! Hope you're having a great day

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  12. HAHA love this. I'll keep it in mind when I get preggers.

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  13. Thanks for this. I will now be prepared for when I get pregnant, which hopefully will be sometime soon! :-) (soon as in the next year, not the next week)

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  14. Ha! This was great! Thank you for the warning!! :-)

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  15. Hahahaha, this is great! My husband and I want to have another baby and this post just totally got me excited all over again! I personally can't wait for everything you just described... even the cankles! ;o)

    Thank you for brightening my day and boosting my excitement!

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  16. Ok, I must admit, I was disappointed that this didn't end with an "announcement" from you that you were about to go through all this ;-) But it was hysterical nonetheless!!!!

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  17. Can I put in a shout-out to the heartburn that settles in around week 27 and makes it feel like your esophagus is being digested from the inside out? And can I get a what-what for the utter and complete loss of control over your body (as evidenced by me stuffing a towel between my legs as I run to the toilet to boot because I know I'm going to pee all over myself)? Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I'd also like to nominate the evaporation of sex drive starting in the 3rd trimester for a mention here... especially as my hubs grows more desperate anticipating that 6-week vacati... er, pelvic rest period. Otherwise - perfect! You nailed it!

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  18. Very funny and I agree with what Jenny said- I was hoping for an announcement from you. :)

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  19. Can I mention that no one ever told me I would be cheering myself on every time I go to the bathroom hoping that THIS would be the time IT finally happens. And when it finally does I would have no qualms about enthusiastically shouting to my husband, "YAY I pooped!"

    No shame I tell you, no shame. (Week 10 of my first pregnancy!)

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  20. Love this! At 26 weeks into my second pregnancy and having thought/said/felt everything you wrote at some point, I will definitely share this with my other preggo friends! Especially the first timers that are thinking 'What the heck!?!?!'

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  21. Love this...pretty much sums it up! I am really really looking forward to those last couple of lines. :)

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  22. If we get to keep the stretch marks we should get to keep the fuller, glossier hair!

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  23. I am going to shwo my husband this...this is fabulous! I read it and can't wait until its our turn to have a baby! :)

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  24. Just stumbled across your blog thanks to blogfrog and I am loving it! This post made me laugh out loud. Can't wait to read more.

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  25. Somewhat serious question... With my first, IGNORANCE WAS BLISS. Now as we consider a second, I know more and fear more than the first time around. Got any tips for this?

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  26. OMG! This post is brilliant! It made me laugh out loud! So funny but oh so true! I love it!! I am going to share it on my blog, on Facebook and will send the direct link to a couple of my pregnant friends & family...

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  27. LOL!
    ~Kimberlee
    www.TheSpunkyDiva.com

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I love comments! And, I welcome your thoughts that aren't in agreement with mine...as long as they are respectful!

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