When the November edition of the Reader's Digest arrived on my door, I saw that they made this issue just for me: (If you can't read backwards, hold your computer monitor up to the mirror...just don't say "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary" three times with your back to the mirror or something scary will happen. At least that's what they told me when I was 7.)
Since the Reader's Digest neglected to contact moi (insert sarcasm font here) about what I would or would not tell patients, I have decided to dissect the article for you. Aren't you lucky?!
Today, we'll start with the very first quote from "50 Things Your Nurse Won't Tell You": (Michelle, Crouch. "50 Secrets Your Nurse Won't Tell You." Reader's Digest. November 2011: 132-41. Print.):
"When you tell me how much you drink or smoke or how often you do drugs, I automatically double or triple it." -A longtime nurse in Texas
Um. Yeah. No.
Never, not one single solitary time have I ever doubled or tripled how often you told me you snorted crack. Or how many packs of cigarettes you smoke or 5ths of whiskey you drink. Never.
However, if you tell me that you smoke 1/2 pack of cigarettes a day but really it's only 2 or 3 'cuz you've cut down and politely decline a nicotine patch but 3 hours into your hospital stay you are climbing the walls, snapping at everyone that enters your room and claiming that hospitals drive you crazy and you just need to go outside for a second for some "fresh air"...I'll admit, I will wonder if you told me a little white lie with that 1/2 pack that you said was really only 2 or 3 cigarrettes.
I may be blond, but I ain't stupid.
And that wraps up our first dissection (I sort of feel like I'm teaching an anatomy class right now...) of the Reader's Digest article...until next week, my friends!