Here's the thing about grief...about losing a loved one...you soon discover that you are part of a very unfortunate club.
A club that includes too many people that have had to endure the pain of losing someone close to them. People you see everyday, people you know well, will begin to tell you about their experiences with death.
I am amazed by the amount of people who have lost someone close to them. Who have struggled with these very feelings that I have. Who have survived the pain and learned how to live their "new reality".
Hearing these stories, seeing people who have lived this anguish, makes me feel a little bit normal. A little bit normal, when sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Literally.
After spending the week of Verd's death in a state of mind that left me truly feeling like I was just having a horrific dream, this week I found myself, at times, feeling like it never really happened. Like he wasn't really dead, just away.
I wonder if this is part of Mother Nature's way of protecting you in times of unbelievable stress...if it is my subconscious looking out for my psyche. Or maybe it's just one of the steps of grief...I should really look those steps up.
Whatever it is, I found myself at the end of this week honestly feeling like I was going just a little bit crazy.
I feel less crazy today...which is good, but it means that I struggled today, that it was "real" again.
Last night we spent some time at my SIL's home, going through the massive piles of cards and memorials...we laughed, we remembered, we read words from people who wanted to share their memories of Verd.
It was healing. It feels so good to be around those that are going through the very thing I am. But today, in church, I struggled. I found myself tearing up...remembering, thinking, feeling. I saw his boys in church without their dad, where he had always been every week...and my heart hurt for them.
My newest source of pain? That his grandchildren will never know him. That he won't get to be the wonderful grandfather that I know he would have been.
I wish I could turn back time...I wish I didn't belong to this club. It isn't a very fun one.