The other night, I was >thisclose< to being asleep when I felt something on my shoulder. I brushed at it, and in the moonlight, saw something dark move on my bed.
GAH!!!! I sat up quickly and flicked on my bedside lamp and saw...nothing. "Huh, that's weird." I thought when suddenly, from under one of the pillows, the biggest, blackest, most gigantic ant I've ever seen in my life scurried out, RIGHT FOR ME.
You know how they say that ants can carry, like, a thousand times their body weight? Well, I'm convinced that that ant was trying to carry me away, back to his queen where they'd perform some sort of human sacrifice ritual for the ant gods.
Anyway, I gasped, fearful for my life, and smacked my dead to the world, sound asleep husband, who woke in a stupor and began hitting the bed in an attempt to get the creature that was about to steal his wife in the still of the night. Only, instead of actually making contact with the ant, he'd hit near it, it would bounce up, move a little bit, fall on it's back, try to get away, all the while my dear sweet hubby kept attempting to kill the dang thing.
I think, in his not quite awake state, that he must've seen about 8 ants, the way he was willy nilly smacking at the bed.
I finally squeaked out, "JUST GRAB IT!!!" (Okay, it was more of a SCREAM.) He listened to me, grabbed it, and threw it on the floor...and then stood there, staring at it and scratching his head. "SQUISH IT WITH A SHOE!!!!" I squeaked again (and by "squeak", I mean...well, see above), instead, know what he did?
HE WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM.
But, he quickly came back with some toilet paper, snatched up that (apparently injured and not moving fast...I guess he must've hit it with all that willy nilly bed smacking) would be kidnapper ant and flushed him down the toilet.
Saving his princess from a certain demise.
Then, he came back to bed, and promptly fell back into a deep and peaceful sleep...while I slept with one eye open and kept feeling like something was crawling on me all night. In fact, scratch that "I slept"...'cuz I don't think I slept a wink.
Sometimes, I wish I could sleep like a man.