Thursday, March 23, 2017

The Unimaginable

Last week, life fell apart on us.

Again.

My husband's absolutely amazing brother, Jared, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly, leaving behind a beautiful young wife and 6 kids. Jared was a life force all his own...his silly antics, giant heart, and happy-go-lucky spirit was contagious and you couldn't help but love the guy.

Why is it that the good guys are taken from us too soon?

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotions; from endless tears to laughter and back again. Just when I'm feeling strong, I get a hug or an offer of condolences or a sweet email and the tears start to flow all over again.

Walking the path of grief is miserable...it is heart breaking and exhausting and gut wrenching...and it is unimaginable to have to walk this walk again. Just 6 years ago we were reeling from the sudden death of my husband's oldest brother. This feels far to familiar to have to deal with again.

Remember when I started my resolutions posts and I talked about how the start of a new year terrifies me? That ever since Verd died, I've had a fear of a New Year because you never know what that year will bring? This is what I was talking about. Life can change so quickly...it can go from being so wonderfully imperfect to absolutely soul crushing, heart breaking awfulness so quickly that you are left in a dark hole of confusion.

Like I said in that New Year's resolution post, I want to say that I will continue to choose joy over fear but let's be honest and real and raw for a second. 

I. AM. TERRIFIED.

You guys, fear and sorrow have a hold so tight on my heart right now that it seems unthinkable to be able to choose joy.

Love hard and hold your loved ones close, my friends. And please pray for strength and peace for Jared's wife, kids, and all of us left with a giant Jared sized hole in our hearts and in our lives. He was one of the good guys.

This isn't fair.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Back to Colorado

Back to Colorado...figuratively, not literally, as in "back to our trip", not "that's it, I'm packin' up and going back to Colorado!".

You know what?

I could move. Right now, I could up and move my family out to Colorado. Of course, that'd be irresponsible but OH MY HEART. I have fallen in love.

I realize I'm basing this "love" not on real life...we slept in (sorta), we had the most amazing chocolate chip cookies everyday, we walked everywhere, went out for supper every night, there was no laundry or meals to cook or homework to do or dishes to wash or jobs to report to, and...get ready for this, we ate outside SO MANY TIMES! Odd, because the CO temps were similar to MN temps and you would NEVER find us eating outside.


It was flippin' amazing. And those cookies. Ooooooh, how I want one right now. These were not "3 o'clock Base of the Mountain Cookies...these were The Pines (our hotel) cookies and they were the most amazing things I've ever had. Ever.

The first full day of our trip we went skiing. I was a nervous wreck and my husband was (mostly) patient with me. If I post a video, will you laugh at me?

Oh, who am I kidding...if I can make someone laugh, that means I've done my job for the day! Laugh away!

Here I am...only this is Day 2 of skiing. If you play this in sloooowwwww motion, you'll get an idea of how Day 1 went.


My dear sweet husband told me, "You know, you can go faster than 2 inches per hour! Even if you double your speed, you won't get hurt if you fall!"

But, I was too scared...and then he said, "I think maybe you confused downhill skiing with cross country skiing."

Smarty pants boobhat that he is.


Anyway, I discovered a few things about myself that first trek down the mountain. Here they are:

1. A blue run skier I will never be...let alone a black diamond.
2. Greens are meant for me. In fact, my favorite "runs" were the connecting paths between runs. Yes, you read that right, I went all the way to Colorado to ski and I preferred to ski the paths.
3. I don't like people when I'm skiing. People whizzing past me FREAKED ME THE HECK OUT! I was so worried about crashing into someone that I decided 2 inches/hour was my max speed.
4. As long as I can ski my greens (i.e. mountain paths) I am a happy camper but as soon as I feel pressure to do something riskier (i.e. a "real" green run), I started to sweat my mittens right off. (Quite literally, actually. We had to put my mittens on the boot dryers at the hotel...and they weren't wet from snow!)
5. For the first time in my life, I didn't care what people thought about me! I was just bound and determined to make it to the base of the mountain alive, in one piece, and without taking someone out along the way. (PS, I succeeded!).
6. I LOVE the mountains. 

If I'm going to be totally honest, I'm still having a bit of some post vacation blues. I want to go back. I want to bring the kids with us. I want to move there. (Yes, I have been searching properties. Unfortunately, we don't have a spare 30 million dollars laying around.)

I may have mentioned this before, but I felt so healthy and alive there! So active and vibrant and full of life! It was amazing and probably 90% because: no responsibility, but still.


I can honestly say that this was my favorite vacation to date. This vacation impacted me like no other vacation has...we MUST go back and if you like the outdoors AT ALL, go to Colorado. We were told by several locals that we have to come back in the summer...that there is WAY more to do in the summer.

I think we need to take them up on that.

See you soon!
M.

 

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